I haven't been able to write much recently because I've been consumed with other things such as: recording YouTube videos, writing articles, doing NLP sessions, and selling my soul on social media!
Unfortunately, I am having to do this because the publishing profession tells me that there is no chance of getting my book published without followers...
If anyone wants to read this manuscript that is gathering dust on my laptop would they just share the hell out of my socials? I'm on all of them now... But TBH I can't wait to rip them all down.
I have no interest in the 'fame' side of social media. I actually find the 'validation' side of it all very unhealthy and I cringe constantly when I see the desperate semi-naked photos of young people who evidently place all of their self-worth in how they look.
Oh dear.
And people like that are never going to read my book however it's published!
Is that what society has come to nowadays?
Makes you think...
It really does!
Emotional #shitstorm
I'm not in the mood to write much today and my thoughts are scrambled and all over the place as you can probably tell.
The reason for this is that I lost another friend to suicide last week.
I've been all over the place emotionally since I heard the devastating news.
When things like this happen it just hits so close to home and it rakes up a lot of feelings and emotions; especially since if I'd taken my own life it would have been as a result of such a similar pattern.
I've just recorded a video on all of this which I'm dubious about sharing because I don't particularly enjoy putting myself in front of the camera but... basically, it is a repeated pattern of trauma and upset which is then masked over by a succession of romantic relationships which only ever pour more toxic infection into the already festering and highly painful wound.
So, I've been very angry at times over the last week; angry at past partners, angry at myself for being so stupid, angry at God for giving my friends too much heartache to bear, just angry.
Then I've been sad; sad that I will never have the chance to speak to my friend again, sad that no matter what I do in terms of writing and sharing my story it will never be enough to save people, sad that I have written the holy grail of mental illness yet no one even looks up.
Sad that people are being controlled and manipulated in pandemics of scaremongering and into killing each other in needless wars.
Just really sad.
I think it's important to make a mental note to myself that these are perfectly appropriate emotions to be feeling in response to tragedy.
It's very easy to panic when you have severe type 1 bipolar disorder and start catastrophising the whole thing.
So, I'm not.
I'm prioritising my own mental health and cutting back on everything.
I haven't even made a decision on whether or not I'm even proceeding with trying to get published and I'm not going to either.
I've been let down by so many 'professionals' recently and the rejections do take their toll.
At first rejections from agents didn't bother me, I just got more determined, but since last week I've felt very let down and really rather disillusioned about the whole industry.
How can fluffy romance novels be being prioritised above a story that could even potentially save lives?
I have not one ounce of faith in humanity right now.
I think I need to take a long, long walk in nature today and try to get out of the 'thinking' mind.
Restored sleep
The only good thing that's happened recently is that I am managing to sleep again.
Thank God for that quite frankly...
I've managed to achieve slumber by retraining my brain to accept sleep.
This once again, is vitally important but since no one listens to me I doubt anyone will benefit and I'm wondering why I'm even bothering to note it here...
But - the point is - you have to allow the brain to sleep whenever you think there is a chance that it will accept sleep no matter what time of the day or night.
This is why the 'professionals' are actually wrong about 'circadian rhythms' etc because it is all to do with whatever chemicals are being released for sleep and during sleep that allow the brain to be able to switch off.
It's basically whatever poisons like antipsychotics are substituting chemically in the brain and then preventing it from producing naturally.
Anyway, (I'm sure the psychiatrists will protest there but I'm right) the point is that:
Sleep breeds sleep
So, having not slept more than five hours a night since the 22.02.22 I decided to cancel everything over the weekend and retrain my brain to sleep.
I managed three half an hour naps during the day on Saturday and guess what?
I slept for a block of seven hours on Saturday night and have continued to sleep well since.
You have to treat your brain like that of a baby's when it malfunctions.
None of this is rocket science but none of it is being appreciated.
Do we think anyone is ever going to listen to me?
I have not the smallest clue!
Thanks for reading,
Speak to you soon,
TR
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