For the longest time, I thought I was battling an illness (a bipolar disorder diagnosed by psychiatrists) - the relentless exhaustion, the fractured sleep, the mental fog—it felt like something was fundamentally wrong with me.
But today, I can finally say that I’m confronting the true root cause of my suffering and addressing my sleep problems in a way that makes sense.
Last night, I managed a solid six hours of sleep, and I can’t tell you how relieved I am! After what felt like an eternity of running on fumes—surviving on just three hours a night—I finally feel like I’m on the road to recovery. The biggest breakthrough? A complete shift in my sleep schedule.
Instead of lying in bed frustrated, waiting for sleep to take me, I now embrace a new evening routine. From 10 PM onwards, I read, work on a jigsaw puzzle, and then sit in candlelight until my eyes can’t stay open. This small but powerful change has broken my pattern of waking at 3 AM and being unable to drift back to sleep.
And let me be clear: I truly believe that if I had continued living like that—sleep-deprived, anxious, and lost—I wouldn’t have survived. What makes me even prouder is that I refused to gaslight myself into believing I was simply “mentally ill” and rush to a psychiatrist for sleeping pills. Instead, I dug deeper.
The Real Cause: Unhealed Trauma and Attachment Wounds
This entire so-called “disorder” wasn’t just about sleep. It was a symptom of something much deeper: an unhealed wound from my past that shaped my attachment style. I see it so clearly now. The pain I was drowning in wasn’t just about my own struggles—it was intensified by the experience of being in a relationship with a dismissive-avoidant partner.
If you’ve ever loved someone with an avoidant attachment style, you’ll understand the excruciating confusion and heartbreak that comes with it. They avoid. They dismiss. They run for the hills, leaving you with no answers, no closure—just a tangled mess of emotions.
My ex didn’t leave because of anything I did; he left because emotional closeness scared him. The push-pull dynamic was agonising. When I refused to accept the scraps of “friendship” he offered, he continued to breadcrumb me—sporadic messages here and there that kept me trapped in a cycle of hope and despair. The result? My sleep was wrecked. My mental health spiraled. I found myself in hospitals, enduring withdrawal symptoms from medications that were never the answer. I endured a level of suffering I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
The Path to Healing: Prioritizing Autonomy Over Romantic Connection
I don’t know how I made it to the other side, but I did. And now, with the help of therapy, holistic routines, and an intentional focus on my attachment style -
I’m finally reclaiming my strength. I no longer see myself as someone who “lost” a partner. The truth is, he lost me.
And in that realisation, I found the closure he never could (or would) give me.
We were both clueless. We were both acting out old wounds, playing out a love-hate dynamic that was doomed from the start. Understanding this has allowed me to forgive—not just him, but myself too. We were victims of childhood trauma, unknowingly repeating the same patterns we learned long ago. It’s heartbreaking, really. But at least now, I understand it.
Helping Others See the Truth
More than anything, I hope to help others who have found themselves in similar situations—people who believe they are “mentally ill” when, in reality, they are heartbroken, trapped in cycles of attachment trauma. The medical system is quick to label and medicate, but the real healing comes from understanding ourselves and breaking free from destructive patterns.
So, onwards! I am stronger, wiser, and finally at peace. And if you’re struggling, please know that you’re not alone. You are not broken—you are healing.
TR
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