The dismissive-avoidant attachment style is a paradox. On one hand, they crave love and connection like anyone else. On the other, they’re terrified of true emotional intimacy. As a result, they often discard the one person who could have been their ideal partner—the one who sparked passion, emotional depth, and personal growth.
Instead, they settle for someone who feels "safe"—someone predictable who won’t challenge their emotional walls, someone they don’t have to risk truly opening up to.
At first, this new dynamic feels peaceful, even comfortable. No deep conversations, no emotional demands—just a quiet, predictable relationship where both people function like polite roommates rather than soul-connected lovers.
But over time, that comfort turns into stagnation. The connection fades. Conversations become transactional. It's basically two room-mates both dissatisfied with the relationship and neither really knowing why. The dismissive-avoidant may start to feel a creeping sense of boredom, unable to pinpoint why they feel so unfulfilled. Their partner will feel the emotional neglect and only remain in the relationship out of fear of abandonment.
It often takes a crisis—a nervous breakdown, a midlife awakening, or a moment of unbearable loneliness—for them to realise what they’ve done. The partner they discarded—the one who truly saw them, who challenged them, who made them feel alive—is long gone. That person has moved on, healed, (or like me - found the closure they need by working it all out) and built a new life, one where they pursue a partner who can love them the way they deserve to be loved.
By the time the dismissive-avoidant sees the truth, it’s too late. They traded passion for predictability, connection for control,
and now they’re left with the devastating realisation that they rejected the love they always wanted—because they were too afraid to let it in.
But love demands courage. And for those who have lost it, the real tragedy is knowing they had it in their hands once, and they let it slip away.
Many avoidants may spend their whole lives denying, avoiding and dismissing this truth (because that's what they do best) but for those with even a scrap of intelligence and/or conscience will one day wake up to the realisation of what they have pushed away and lost forever.
It is only through deep introspection in therapy that the avoidant will be able to see and understand what they have done. It is extremely sad that they will live their lives in such an unfulfilling way, wearing a mask to the outside world while never really knowing why they are dissatisfied, but for the past partner, understanding this is like being handed the keys to their jail cell.
No longer do I question any of this. I was gaslighted into thinking I was the problem when all along the dismissive avoidants in my life were and ARE the ones who need to confront their unhealed maladaptive attachment styles.
Being on the receiving end of avoidant dismissive discard within a familial AND romantic setting was the root cause of my 'illness'. HOWEVER, now that I understand all of this I am finally beginning to break free. I am even able to forgive all of the pain the dismissive avoidants in my life have caused - because I feel sorry for them. They are extremely wounded individuals who don't even realise what they're doing to themselves and those around them.
I really hope others who have suffered in the way I have can finally work all of this out and free themselves too. It is a journey which requires a high emotional intelligence, monumental self-reflection, and a deep heart. The pain is indescribable but the freedom?
That's priceless.
TR
Comments