Ex-partners and mental health: Why dismissive avoidants end up miserable

It doesn’t happen right away.

And it doesn’t happen publicly.

But quietly, over time—when the partner they chose doesn’t reach them, doesn’t trigger them, doesn’t evoke the depth they once ran from—it starts to seep in.

And it crushes them.

I’ve seen it in my own life - I was rejected by a dismissive avoidant and left with the wreckage—trying to work out what the hell happened.

And I see it in friends who are now in unfulfilling relationships, married to people who either don’t demand emotional intimacy and/or don’t provoke real feeling. In other words, the true emotional connection and reciprocation required for a healthy relationship is pretty much non existent.

They’ve subconsciously chosen “safe”. They’ve chosen someone they don’t love as much as they loved you—because loving you meant facing themselves. Facing the depth of emotional connection. And that was just all too much.

They convince themselves you were the problem—too needy, too intense, too emotionally demanding. They probably even mislabelled your desire for emotional connection as “confrontational”. Duh duh duh, dismissive ex… duh.

But the truth is: you were none of those things. They were simply too avoidant to meet you.

And now? They’re stuck. Because the partner they chose—the one who doesn’t trigger them like you did—also doesn’t offer any sort of real emotional closeness. And emotional closeness is essential in a long-term relationship. Without it you end up being two people sharing a house and passing like ships in the night.

It’s a situation that's devastating for everyone. The rejected partner is left knowing they were the key. The current partner senses the dissatisfaction but can’t name it. And the avoidant—if they’re even a little bit self-aware—realises what they lost far too late.

The only real way out for a dismissive avoidant is therapy. Deep, confronting therapy that forces them to feel - to name their defences. To look at what they’ve been running from.

But here’s the catch: If they do get there—if they do see it—that awakening is often the death knell for their current relationship. Because now they understand the truth they’ve spent their whole lives avoiding. They see who truly met them. Who genuinely loved them. And more often than not, it’s too late.

Because only the rarest kind of partner—with a massive emotional IQ could understand this dynamic, hold space for it, and still have the capacity to move on with grace...

Yeah, I get all of this, and I feel the full weight of the devastation. Not only for me but for those partners who I identify this in - heartbreaking. No one ends up happy. It's like some twisted Shakespeare play, BUT in the closing act, one person steps off the stage and looks at the performance, sees what's going on, laughs, cries, and then walks out of the theatre towards their future happiness (me).

I’m determined that only the deepest love—with emotional connection and true introspection on both sides—will ever be enough.

I won’t compromise or make excuses for a dismissive avoidant who refuses to look at themselves. I've too much self-respect.

Anything less than honest reflection on both sides is a total waste of my (and everyone's) time.

Of course that freaks out an avoidant. But for a true, lasting relationship—it’s the only way.

TR