Breaking Free from Dismissive Avoidant Abuse
Going back into the past to process the core wound of my suffering—being ruthlessly discarded by a Dismissive Avoidant (DA) with no explanation or empathy—has wreaked havoc on my sleep. I haven’t slept for more than three hours (sometimes less) since I began to probe the wound (in the autumn last year).
Yesterday, in desperation, I called the National Sleep Helpline. I’ve started implementing some of their strategies, and I’ll share information and resources in a future post.
The root of nearly all my suffering over the last fifteen years traces back to that discard. And for anyone else struggling with this pain—because it is impossibly hard to forgive, heal, and move on—here are some mantras to hold on to:
Understanding the Dismissive Avoidant Mindset
A DA freaks out and runs because you were a great partner who tapped into their heart. They felt emotions they couldn’t handle.
DAs have an unhealed childhood wound that makes emotional intimacy unbearable. When a relationship reaches a point of deeper connection, they flee.
DA's fill their lives with distractions to avoid confronting their feelings. They discard and dismiss not just you but their own emotions, suppressing them so they don’t have to feel.
They often offer "friendship" not out of care, but to absolve themselves of guilt. When you go no contact, they say 'but I'm friends with all my exes' because they've never met anyone with as much self-respect as you who will not put up with being discarded like this. They then experience a delayed emotional response, sending breadcrumbs for years to see if you’re still an option. This is cruel—whether intentional or not.
They need therapy, not you.
Gaslighting & The Danger of Self-Blame
A DA doesn’t know what they’re doing, so when you push them to confront their feelings, they accuse you of being confrontational. That’s gaslighting.
Do not make the mistake I did—blaming myself, falling into depression, and undergoing ketamine infusions for suicidal ideation. The result was indescribable pain and suffering. Do not let that be you.
The Reality of a DA’s Future Relationships
A DA will choose someone who doesn’t trigger their unhealed wounds—someone they feel less passion for, someone with lower self-respect, someone who tolerates their distant, cold behaviour. They will also overlap relationships in order to AVOID dealing with their suppressed emotions. This is weak and pathetic and you should remind yourself of this daily. It hurts immensely to know they have moved on BUT the reality is that they haven't - they are childlike - plastering over the guilt and heartbreak by using someone else - a rebound. YOU are better than that. YOU are adult, YOU are not afraid of your feelings, YOU know your boundaries. YOU know NOW that he was the one with the problem.
EVERY relationship the DA has after you is a REBOUND relationship to AVOID the deep shame they feel and to AVOID the accountability. This is not a reflection on you - this is a reflection of their maladaptive coping strategies.
They will live as actors, seeking external validation while wearing a mask. You saw the real them, and that terrifies them.
Do not believe for a second that you were the problem.
Final Message to Anyone Holding On
A DA will likely never see, acknowledge, or apologise for the harm they caused. Do not entertain their breadcrumbs or "let’s be friends" offer. Block them and in future look for the red flags early on. You will be better at spotting them.
You have more self-respect than anyone they may choose to be with. You are the hero in this story.
If they reach out, tell them:
"I have too much self-respect to allow you to breadcrumb, dismiss and gaslight me. I will not entertain any communication with you unless you are actively engaging in therapy to confront your dismissive avoidant attachment style."
Then stick to it.
I hope that by writing this, others can free themselves from dismissive avoidant abuse—because that’s exactly what it is, whether conscious or unconscious. It is heartbreaking that emotionally available, loving partners are subjected to this. In my case, it caused unspeakable pain. In too many cases, it has led to suicide.
More to come in a future post.
TR
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