Love should be a place of warmth, connection, and mutual respect. But for those entangled with an avoidant-dismissive partner, love can often feel like a cruel game of push and pull—one that leaves deep emotional scars.
Among the many damaging behaviors exhibited by avoidant-dismissive individuals, breadcrumbing is one of the most painful.
This is exactly what an ex of mine did many years ago which trapped me in a whole world of pain. For years post break up he would sporadically find an excuse to contact me. Sometimes I accepted the offers of 'lunch', 'drinks', 'a catch up', 'dinner at the flat', sometimes I declined. But each time it happened I imagined he might say something with some emotional integrity - OH dear God what a mistake, because unfortunately Avoidant Dismissives can't do that. They are deeply wounded people with unhealed attachment styles formed in childhood and by breadcrumbing they are only thinking of themselves. It is a selfish behaviour which only leaves the victim more trapped in a cycle of hope and disengagement.
Do not make the mistake I did - do not accept offers for meeting up with the avoidant ex unless they are genuinely and actively engaging with therapy.
What is Avoidant Dismissive Breadcrumbing?
Breadcrumbing is a manipulative tactic where someone provides small doses of attention, affection, or communication to keep another person emotionally engaged—without any real intention of deepening the relationship.
When this behavior is exhibited by someone with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style, it becomes even more devastating. Avoidants fear intimacy and commitment, yet they also fear abandonment. So, instead of fully leaving or fully committing, they string their partners along just enough to keep them attached, but never enough to create real emotional security.
The Emotional Toll on the Jilted Lover
Being on the receiving end of avoidant-dismissive breadcrumbing is an excruciating experience. And unfortunately (being diagnosed bipolar and taking meds as a result) almost cost me my life.
Avoidant-ex breadcrumbing creates a constant state of uncertainty, where the jilted lover clings to fleeting moments of attention, hoping they mean something more. This intermittent reinforcement can be addictive, keeping the recipient trapped in a toxic loop of waiting, overanalysing, and self-blame.
False Hope and Emotional Confusion – The occasional sweet message, affectionate gesture, or nostalgic callback to happier times can make it feel like love is still possible. This prevents closure and prolongs emotional suffering.
Low Self-Esteem – Being repeatedly given just enough to stay but never enough to feel secure can chip away at self-worth. The jilted lover often wonders if they are "not enough" to deserve consistent love and commitment.
Emotional Exhaustion – The cycle of hope, disappointment, and longing is mentally and physically draining. Waiting for validation from someone who thrives on distance can take a severe toll on mental health.
Why Do Avoidants Breadcrumb?
Understanding the motivations behind this behavior doesn’t excuse it, but it does provide insight. Avoidant-dismissive individuals breadcrumb for several reasons:
Fear of True Intimacy – They are uncomfortable with deep emotional closeness and use breadcrumbing to maintain control without fully letting someone in.
Fear of Being Alone – While they push people away, they also don’t want to be abandoned. Keeping an ex or a romantic prospect on standby gives them a sense of security.
Unconscious Manipulation – Many avoidants are not intentionally malicious but rather operating from their own wounds and fears. They use detachment as a defense mechanism, unaware of how deeply they are hurting others.
Breaking Free from the Breadcrumbing Cycle
If you find yourself trapped in a cycle of avoidant-dismissive breadcrumbing, recognize that you deserve better. Here’s how you can reclaim your emotional power:
Acknowledge the Pattern – Recognising that you are being breadcrumbed is the first step. Once you see it for what it is, it becomes easier to detach emotionally.
Stop Making Excuses – Avoidants often give vague reasons for their inconsistency. Stop justifying their behavior or hoping they will change.
Enforce Boundaries – Refuse to accept half-hearted attention. If someone cannot offer real commitment and consistency, walk away.
Seek Healing – Whether through therapy, self-work, or support from loved ones, prioritize healing from the emotional wounds inflicted by breadcrumbing.
Final Thoughts
Avoidant-dismissive breadcrumbing is one of the most painful experiences in modern dating. It keeps the jilted lover in a perpetual state of longing, preventing them from moving on and finding the love they truly deserve. No one should have to settle for inconsistent affection and emotional games.
True love is reciprocal, secure, and unwavering—never a game of crumbs. Now that I see what happened and understand it I can finally heal.
There is no way I would entertain any kind of communication with my avoidant ex unless he was in therapy for his unhealed attachment style - but guess what?! Avoidants do what they do best - they dismiss and avoid - so the likelihood of that happening is zilch!
I am literally smiling while writing this post. I am finally on the road to freedom1!!!!
TR
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