Seventeen years ago, my sleep was decimated. Not by a physical ailment, not by an external crisis, but by a romantic discard at the hands of a dismissive-avoidant partner.
It took me years to understand that what I was experiencing wasn’t just insomnia or general distress (or mixed state bipolar disorder) —it was the deep psychological and emotional turmoil of trying to process an abrupt and seemingly emotionless abandonment by someone who once professed to love me.
Unfortunately, the psychiatrists I turned to for help didn’t identify any of this. They attributed my sleeplessness to my so-called ‘disorder,’ failing to recognise that I was suffering from the psychological fallout of post-romantic discard. They overlooked the very real trauma that comes from trying to make sense of being discarded by someone at the height of romantic passion.
But this is exactly what the dismissive-avoidant does. When emotions become overwhelming, (i.e their love for you) they suppress them. Then - post brutal discard -rather than process feelings of attachment, sadness, or guilt, they bury them deep and rewrite the narrative. To protect themselves from vulnerability, they convince themselves that you were the problem—you were too confrontational, too needy, too incompatible. Instead of facing emotional discomfort, they immerse themselves in work, hobbies, or even new relationships, all as a means of avoidance.
I am so proud of myself for having the emotional bandwidth to get into the psyche of the dismissive avoidant in order to work all of this out!
Unfortunately, for those of us left in the wake of such a discard, the emotional impact can be profound. The abrupt detachment, the lack of closure, and the dissonance between their past affections and their present indifference can create a state of hyperarousal in our nervous system. This, in turn, can wreak havoc on sleep. Anxiety, rumination, and a subconscious fear of abandonment can keep us wired and restless at night, long after the relationship has ended.
Side note -
Combine all of this with the dopamine rush of being breadcrumbed for a decade post break up with sporadic happy birthday messages and meaningless requests to meet up and the outcome is a whole world of confusion, pain and suffering (unfortunately for me, attributed to my 'mental illness' - when all along the ex is the one who needs to confront his unhealed attachment wounds in therapy!!!)
How to Begin Reclaiming Sleep
Acknowledge the Trauma – Recognise that this isn’t just ‘overthinking’ or a personal weakness. Romantic trauma is real, and it has lasting effects on both the mind and body. Naming the pain is the first step towards healing.
Challenge the Narrative – The dismissive-avoidant’s coping mechanism is to rewrite history to justify their emotional suppression. But their narrative does not define you. Understanding attachment styles can help you see their behavior for what it is—a defense mechanism, not a reflection of your worth.
Regulate the Nervous System – Because avoidance trauma triggers a fight-or-flight response, sleep struggles often stem from a dysregulated nervous system. Techniques such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, and progressive muscle relaxation can help shift your body from a state of hyperarousal to one of calm.
Create a Sleep Routine – Consistency is key. Set a wind-down routine that signals to your body that it’s safe to rest. Avoid screens, engage in gentle activities like reading or journaling, and create a comfortable sleep environment.
Reframe Sleep as Self-Care – Instead of seeing sleep as another battle to win, reframe it as an act of self-love. Your body and mind deserve rest, and allowing yourself to sleep is a way of reclaiming control from the emotional wounds of the past.
Other steps to work on
Cut out all caffeine.
Exercise daily.
Help others by sharing your story (as I am doing now).
Keep a sleep diary (four hours sleep last night, not a total disaster but not nearly enough yet).
Continue with the mission to sleep and be proud of myself for all of this hard work.
Increase sleep drive by staying up later and changing my sleep schedule.
Break the usual pattern of being up from 3 AM and unable to get back to sleep.
Remind myself of the brutal discard and how the dismissive avoidant would never have been capable of a true emotionally-connected relationship.
Non-Stimulating Tasks for Evening Wind-Down
To help my brain relax before sleep, I engage in the following non-stimulating activities:
Playing piano
Reading in French
Knitting
Sitting quietly in a candlelit room
Working on a jigsaw puzzle
Praying, meditating, regulated breathing exercises
I avoid screens such as TV, iPad, or iPhone as they are far too stimulating for me. I also refrain from engaging in deep conversations, as my brain needs to be completely relaxed before I even attempt sleep.
Final Thoughts
Healing from a dismissive-avoidant discard is a process, and sleep is one of the many areas it can impact. But just as we can heal emotionally, we can also retrain our minds and bodies to find rest again. Understanding the mechanisms behind the discard helps in making peace with the past, while intentional self-care and nervous system regulation can pave the way toward better sleep.
You are not broken, and you are not alone. Reclaiming sleep is one step in reclaiming yourself.
TR
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