If you’ve ever loved someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, you know the pain of watching them sabotage something truly special. Just when things start getting deep, they pull away, create distance, or shut down emotionally—even if you’re exactly what they need.
But here’s the kicker: instead of working through their fears, they often end up with the wrong partner—someone who doesn’t trigger them. And while that might seem "easier," it almost always leads to an unfulfilling relationship.
Why They Sabotage "The One"
Deep Connection Feels Threatening. Dismissive-avoidants equate emotional closeness with losing themselves. The more they feel seen, loved, and understood, the more they panic. So, instead of embracing intimacy, they push away the very person who could offer them real love.
They Crave Control More Than Love. For them, control = safety. Deep love requires vulnerability, which means giving up some control over their emotions. That’s terrifying, so they subconsciously sabotage the relationship to regain their sense of power—whether through ghosting, nitpicking, or emotional withdrawal.
They Look for an “Easier” Relationship. After sabotaging a deep connection, they often end up with a partner who doesn’t trigger their wounds—someone more emotionally distant, less intense, or even avoidant themselves. This feels safer, but it lacks depth.
Why the “Safe” Relationship Becomes Unfulfilling
At first, being with someone who doesn’t challenge their avoidant tendencies feels comfortable. There’s no pressure to open up, no fear of being overwhelmed. But over time, they start feeling:
Emotionally disconnected – The relationship lacks real intimacy.
Unfulfilled – Something is missing, but they don’t know why.
Lonely – Even with a partner, they feel isolated.
Ironically, in avoiding deep connection, they create the very emptiness they were trying to escape.
Can a Dismissive-Avoidant Change?
Yes—but only if they recognise their pattern and do the inner work to:
✔ Heal their fear of intimacy✔ Lean into emotional vulnerability✔ Choose a partner who challenges them to grow
Otherwise, they’ll keep pushing away the right person… and settling for the wrong one.
Coming to terms with all of this is devastating to the discarded partner who knows the relationship was right—especially if they were breadcrumbed for years, trapped in a cycle of pills, depression, hope, disengagement, and horrendous suffering, as I was.
But the strong and courageous part of me refused to settle for someone emotionally unavailable—someone who risked losing me by continually feeding me crumbs and pushing me away.
And for that I'm proud of myself.
TR
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