If you’ve ever been in a relationship—romantic or familial—with a dismissive avoidant, you’ve probably felt the gut-wrenching pain of constantly reaching for someone who never truly reaches back. You try to express your emotions, to connect, to understand them, and every time, you’re met with distance, defensiveness, or complete withdrawal.
The hard truth? You will never get through to them. And continuing to try will only hurt you both.
1. They Do Not Operate on the Same Emotional Plane
Dismissive avoidants don’t just dislike emotional closeness—they fear it. To them, deep connection feels suffocating, and their nervous system is wired to shut down when intimacy becomes too much. They don’t reject you because you’re unworthy. They reject you because connection itself feels like a threat.
2. You Will Always Be the One Making the Effort
They don’t chase. They don’t fight for the relationship. They don’t reflect on how they hurt you because that would require them to admit they need others—something they deeply resist. This dynamic will leave you emotionally exhausted, always trying to “prove” your worth to someone who is fundamentally unwilling to let you in.
3. Your Vulnerability Feels Like a Burden to Them
When you express hurt, sadness, or a need for reassurance, a dismissive avoidant doesn’t lean in with comfort. They pull away. They minimise. They might even make you feel stupid for having those emotions at all. Over time, you’ll start silencing yourself, believing you’re "too much"—when in reality, they are the ones emotionally unavailable.
4. They Won’t Change Unless THEY Want To—And Most Never Do
Change requires self-awareness and willingness. Most dismissive avoidants don’t believe they have a problem. They function just fine in their self-sufficient bubble, convincing themselves they don’t need deep relationships. No matter how much love, patience, or logic you throw at them, you cannot force someone to heal wounds they refuse to acknowledge.
5. Staying Only Breaks You More
Being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant—whether a partner or a family member—creates a slow erosion of self. You become addicted to the crumbs of affection they occasionally give, mistaking them for love. You internalise the rejection, believing you’re not enough to make them open up. But the truth is, it’s not you—it’s them. And the longer you stay, the more you sacrifice your own emotional well-being.
The Only Way to Protect Yourself? Walk Away or Accept Them Fully
You have two choices:
Accept them as they are, without expecting deep emotional connection. (But be honest—does that truly fulfill you?)
Let go. Stop chasing, stop explaining, stop hoping they’ll change. Free yourself from the cycle of emotional starvation and choose relationships that reciprocate the love and depth you offer.
The hardest truth to accept is also the most freeing: You will never get through to them, but you can get through to yourself. And that means choosing your own emotional health over someone who was never willing to meet you halfway.
TR
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